selatyriaF
by Erm the Penguin
Summary: Gaaaaaaaah! I’m a VEGETABLE! he shrieked, waving viney arms wildly. NealtheBeanstalk glared at ChickenKel. This is all your fault. I TOLD you vegetables were bad. But noooooo – ‘Eat your vegetables, Neal,’ … and so I did … and NOW look at me!
1. Prologue

****

Hi there, Erm here…back with yet another crazy attempt at fanfiction. I got this idea while reading a book for my English class…where one of the characters (who doesn't have a very good memory, but has a wonderful imagination) is telling bedtime stories to her daughter…but they're really, really messed up…which of course, made me think about what would happen if some TP characters were in these strange and unusual fairytales…and viola! my story is born. This chapter is just the prologue to give some sort of an idea of what's going on in real life before I embark upon the path of the strange, unusual, and decidedly freaky. I'll be back in a few days with the first of the weird chapters. So don't bother even asking questions about what's going on until I get chapter 1 up.

* Little side note before you start reading, if the title confuses you, which it probably already has, try looking at it backwards. *

****

Disclaimer: None of the characters, or the setting or pretty much _anything_ belongs to Erm the Penguin. Even the idea for weird fairytales isn't hers. Got it?

selatyriaF

Prologue

The woman trudged wearily through the knee-deep snow, leading her faithful (if a bit temperamental) horse behind her. Brushing the few strands of her shoulder-length light brown hair out of her hazel eyes with her be-gloved hand, she glanced at the sun's position and sighed. Keladry was to have arrived at Mindelan for the holidays two days ago, but snowstorm after snowstorm had foiled her plans. Now she would be lucky if she arrived in time for the Midwinter celebration. Many long and tedious hours later, her home was in sight, and the sun had just finished sinking below the horizon. _Thank you Goddess_, Kel thought, _I won't miss it after all_. She came within shouting distance of the gates and bellowed to be let in before she froze to death. Her brother Anders was there and he chuckled as he opened the gate and welcomed his youngest sister home.

As soon as she had entered the hallway that led from the massive entrance to the rest of her family's house, Kel was set upon by her mother and sisters. (Her brother had conveniently disappeared directly after assisting her to get her gelding situated in the stables.) They took one look at the sodden, frozen form and began scolding her for not waiting till morning at some warm inn, all the while rejoicing that the family was finally complete. She was hauled to her room where they found warm dry clothes for her to change into, and then they pulled her from there to the cheery room downstairs where an enormous fire was crackling in the hearth. The walls were festooned with brilliantly colored decorations and everything seemed so bright and friendly. Keladry sighed, content, even if it was a bit cold in there. It felt so good to just be able to be with her family and relax, now that the war with Scanra was finally over. 

Supper having been long over by the time she had arrived, her family brought Kel some choice leftovers to munch on as she sat by the fire. Anders was telling his youngest daughter, Meanne, a fairytale before sending her to bed. Kel smiled as she listened to him: the tale of Jack and the beanstalk had been one of her childhood favorites as well – she had never really enjoyed listening to stories of helpless princesses carried off by giants and incapable of doing anything until they were rescued by the hero. Admittedly, most court ladies were like that…but that didn't mean Kel had to listen to tales about them. 

Kel stared at the fire and mused about what Dom had said to her as she was leaving New Hope, checking and rechecking that everything was going to be alright while she was gone. Watching her surreptitiously glance about for the ninth time just to make sure, he chuckled and told her that she needn't run around like a headless chicken yelping that the sky was going to fall. Everything was going to be perfectly _fine_ until she got back, he _promised_. Remembering, she grimaced. _I am not that bad of a worry wart, am I? It's perfectly normal for me to be concerned about New Hope while I'm gone. Isn't it?_

Despite her warm clothes she suddenly started shivering uncontrollably. Her brother looked up from his story worriedly. "Kel, are you alright?" She stared right through him, glassy eyed. 

Her mother hurried over and pressed her hand to Kel's forehead. "Mithros! You're burning up, Kel," she exclaimed. "To bed with you. Right now."

Weakly protesting that she was fine, really, she allowed herself to be led off to her chambers and tucked firmly into bed. Closing her eyes, she slipped into a fitful, fevered dream…

****

I was going to put the first story in the same chapter as the prologue, but I just wanted to get this part up and get some feedback (not necessarily on the plot, because you don't know what's happening yet…). Review anyway, just so I know that _somebody_ has read it and wants to see what foolishness I come up with this time. Mea, did you notice? I put you in here! (well…its not really _you_, literally…just your name…you know I wouldn't cast my best friend as an eight year old!) Never fear, your namesake will be appearing later on in the story. Sorry if this story isn't humorous quite yet, but like I said…I needed this chapter to give a base for the rest of the story. Never fear, the randomness is coming very soon. Well…if you want the next installment soon, I guess I'd better go and start working on it. 

Tune in next time for … Chicken Little and the Beanstalk!!! (or something along those lines…I haven't really come up with the finalized version of the title yet…)

Toodles!

~ Erm the Penguin ~ 

PS: REVIEW!!!!! (please?)


	2. Chicken Kel and the Beanstalk Part I

****

Well I'm back…more than a month later…bad, bad me. I couldn't help it!!! School started and band takes up all my free time. *Cringes and ducks flying objects thrown by angry readers* I'm sorry!!! Anyways: I decided to put the first half of this chapter up now, so I can see what you people think and then (hopefully) get the other half up in a few days. It's almost completely written…I'm just stuck on one little part of it. Thanks to Mea for reading what I have so far and for suggesting that I cut the darn thing in half and post what I have already. ^__^ Thanks also to the FOUR people who have reviewed so far…*apologies and much groveling and begging for forgiveness in their direction for taking so long to update…* 

** Just so you know and don't have to yell at me about it…this is, (to the best of my knowledge) going to be a VERY AU fic… In other words, the characters will be behaving extremely oddly, (random OOC-ness will occur at frequent intervals) some characters who have been dead for a long time will possibly appear out of nowhere…and other strange and unusual things will happen. This has been a public service announcement… and now back to your regularly scheduled programming **

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Did you really have to ask?

Selatyriaf 

Chapter One: Chicken Kel and the Beanstalk (Part I) 

* Just so you know…most of this chapter (if not all) will be in Kel's _dream_. I don't feel like formatting it any differently than in real life. If something does happen that is NOT in her dream…I think you will be able to tell the difference, don't you? *

****

~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~

****

Kel opened her eyes to a very strange world. All of the colors seemed far too bright to be normal, and the extremely yellow sun shone merrily down on the barnyard.

__

… wait … barnyard? Kel blinked. _Back up there_. She squinted up at the sun again, and Owen's bright, shiny, YELLOW face stared back and _winked_

"Oy! Owen!" she called up at him. "What's your disembodied head doing as the sun?"

Owen looked around himself and stared back at her in confusion. With a shrug of his nonexistent shoulders, he bellowed, "Jolly!"

Exasperated, Kel shook her head and looked down. Feathers. … Kel looked up, blinked a few times and checked again. Yup – still there. She lifted one arm to her face to check if she had a fever and was delusional – it wasn't even her arm any more. Kel had grown wings. Confused and bothered beyond belief by the sight of her body covered in feathers, she waddled over to a bucket of water by the fence. Her own face stared back at her. She looked down again: scaly, three-toed feet; yellowish feathers, wings… Kel shrieked and started running madly around the barnyard.

A few minutes later, Kel was still running and a few heads popped out of the open barn door, wondering what all the commotion was about. Chicken-Kel stopped careening about and looked at Yuki, Shinko and Lalasa gratefully.

"Mithros! I'm so glad to see you! Can you believe this? I'M A CHICKEN!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" 

Glancing at one another, the three women stepped out the door and into Kel's line of vision. She gasped. They were birds, too!

"Gaaaaaaah! Not you, too!" Chicken-Kel shrieked.

Lalasa-the-Goose nodded sadly.

Yuki-the-Turkey was furious. "If they _had_ to turn us into birds, why couldn't we have been something _nice_ like a swan. Anything but a TURKEY."

"Well, if somebody is turning innocent women into birds, we ought to tell the King, shouldn't we?" asked Chicken-Kel prudently. 

Shinko-the-Hen agreed, "We should definitely complain to _somebody_ about this. I do NOT want to stay as a _hen_ for the rest of my life, thank you very much."

"OKAY!" exclaimed Chicken-Kel. "Off to the palace!!!!" She started walking triumphantly toward the open gate. Suddenly, she halted mid-stride and called back, "Does anybody know how to get to the Palace from here?" 

~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~

Quite some time later, a long, long, loooooooong way down the road, the four unfortunate bird-women were still walking down the road, on their search for the King's Palace.

"Face it, we're lost," declared Turkey-Yuki. "You don't know where the Palace is, and for all we know, you could be leading us in the completely opposite direction."

Fed up with all the arguing, Lalasa-Goose announced, "We're going to ask the very next person that we see for directions. Ok?" She glared at the two debaters. Shinko-Hen nodded in agreement. Turkey-Yuki sneered nastily at Chicken-Kel, but approved the plan anyway. 

Several long, agonizing minutes later, they spotted a figure on the road ahead of them. Joyous that they would now have directions and would not have to squabble any longer, Lalasa-Goose and Shinko-Hen ran down the road toward it, flapping their wings all the way. Chicken-Kel sighed in resignation and she and Turkey-Yuki hurried after them. 

To her surprise, Chicken-Kel and her friends were met by yet another victim of whoever was turning people into half-animals. The unfortunate man now looked like a human sized fox with a person's head. He turned to face them, his long blond hair contrasting sharply with his beautiful reddish fur. "Hello, ladies," smirked Joren-the-Fox.

Chicken-Kel inhaled sharply (more commonly known as "gasping"). _But isn't he dead?_ _What is the deal here, anyway?_

Before she could say anything, though, Turkey-Yuki rushed forward and gasped out, "Foxy-Joren! Foxy-Joren! The sky is falling! The world is coming to an end! SOMEBODY TURNED ME INTO A TURKEY!!!!!" 

Shinko-Hen chimed in, "We must tell the King of this. Can you give us directions? We seem to be a little … well … lost."

"I would be _honored_ to help four such lovely…ladies… as yourselves to reach the Palace," smirked Foxy-Joren evilly. "In fact, I even know a shortcut! Follow me…right this way, now." Foxy-Joren started sauntering off toward a smallish cave by the side of the path.

Chicken-Kel stared at him uneasily. There was something wrong here, but she just couldn't put her finger on it. Thinking along these lines a moment more, Chicken-Kel nearly smacked herself – _of course she couldn't put her finger on it! In her present state, she didn't have any fingers!!_ But still – "Guys… I don't think we should trust him," she began uncertainly. 

"HA!" laughed Turkey-Yuki cynically. "You think we shouldn't trust HIM. Mithros! That's amusing. You're the one who got us in this mess in the first place. You think we'd trust you again? HA!" She stalked off toward the cave. Shinko-Hen and Lalasa-Goose looked nervously back and forth and then hurried off after Turkey-Yuki.

Chicken-Kel screamed in frustration. _What idiots! They're going to get themselves killed._ She decided to continue her quest…she would come back to rescue her friends when she was completely human again.

To her immense satisfaction, a sign proclaiming "Palace: this way à " was posted just around the next bend in the road. Secure at last in her knowledge that she was going the right way, she trotted on down the road…

****

Well…like I said before…this is only the first half…I don't think it was the best place to stop, but if I introduced "Jack" and _then_ stopped…it would be even weirder… (Ha! I bet you can't guess who that's gonna be!!) ~ And no cheating (or giving away the answer) those of you who have already read the second half!! ~ ummmm…yeah….so what did you think? Was it random enough for you? 

I couldn't help but put Joren in there…I know he's dead and all…but I was trying to think of somebody to play "Foxy-loxy" and the image of "Foxy-Joren" was just too good to pass up. ^__^ Now the question is…when I finish with part II, should I have her get better _then_, or think up a new fairytale (I have several half-formed plots tucked away if this is the case…) Tell me what you think… (PLEASE!!! I'M BEGGING YOU HERE!!!) Perhaps if I got more than four reviews it would make me get the next part out faster…(hint, hint). Oh yeah, thanks to the fourth reviewer that popped up out of nowhere about a week ago…you inspired me to get this part out and finish up part II: **insane horse lover-gen****—you have my gratitude…although the prodding hurt a bit… **

Well…happy first day of autumn (my absolute most favorite season of all) go jump in a pile of leaves or something…but don't forget to come back and review when you're done…(a cup of hot chocolate after the leaf-jumping wouldn't be such a bad idea either…)

****

Toodles

~ Erm the Penguin ~ 


	3. Chicken Kel and the Beanstalk Part II

****

Hey people, I'm back again! (Isn't this awesome?) I'm still having trouble with the end of Chicken-Kel and the Beanstalk but I decided to split it up yet again (who _knows_ how many parts this will have by the time I'm done…) … so here we are…with Part II of the story…finally we meet "Jack" … not to mention the Beanstalk… ^__^ Hopefully I'll have some inspiration during some random class where I usually fall asleep anyway and will decide to use my time productively and finish the darn thing… but no promises. Its spirit week at my school and Homecoming is on Saturday (in other words: don't expect any new updates for another week at least….because I'm _definitely_ not working on it this weekend!!) Well…I guess that's it for now… enjoy! (that's an order…)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I'd think by now that you would realize this and not make me write a stupid disclaimer over and over and over… is that too much to ask?

****

Chicken-Kel and the Beanstalk: Part II

Chicken-Kel passed by a small farmhouse and continued strolling in the dust toward the tiny town in the distance. As she walked, she came upon an oddly familiar-looking man leading a cow. She drew closer and recognized him.

"Dom!" she yelled gleefully. "You wouldn't _believe_ the weird things that have been happening to me!!!"

His gaze took in her wings and yellow feathers. "Yeah…I can see that. Maybe today is just an unbelievably weird day for everyone." He pointed to the farmhouse behind them. "The woman in there swears she's my mother. She calls me 'Jack' and ordered me to sell this cow in town."

They both looked at the cow. The cow stared back soulfully out of its big, brown eyes. "MOOOOOOOOOOOO!" it bellowed. 

Chicken-Kel and Dom laughed and headed off toward the town again, leading the woeful cow behind them.

The duo finally arrived at the village and Dom went in search of a butcher or somebody who would want to buy his cow. His cow trailed behind him looking dejected. Then Chicken-Kel spotted a sign that read, "Cows wanted. Apply within." 

"Hey Dom!" she yelled across the crowd. "I think I found it!!"

Dom walked over and glanced at the sign. "Sure…I don't think its _quite_ what I was looking for, but it'll do," his blue eyes sparkled mischievously. "After all…all she said was that I had to sell the cow."

So they walked inside the shady looking building and peered around for the owner. Suddenly a tall, redheaded man slunk out from the back room.

_"Cleon_?!" whispered Chicken-Kel incredulously. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Oh…uh…hi, Kel…what a…pleasant surprise," stuttered Cleon, laughing nervously.

Silence filled the little room as they waited for him to continue.

…

The cow mooed. 

…

Suddenly Cleon brightened. "Oh! You have a cow! Would you consider selling her to me?" he smiled hopefully at them, discretely sneaking peaks at the beautiful specimen of bovine goodness behind them.

"Umm, yeah, Cleon, Dom wants to sell his cow…err…do you mind if we ask – what do you want with her?" Chicken-Kel inquired.

"Yeah, well…you remember all those problems I've been having with my fief?" Cleon looked glum. "Well we're pretty broke right now so I decided to go into the cow business to raise a little money.

"You became a butcher," clarified Dom.

Cleon looked horrified at the thought. "_Kill_ them? NO! They're much more valuable to me alive."

Chicken-Kel and Dom eyed at him questioningly.

"I started an All Cow Singing, Dancing and Performing Troupe. I plan to test them at this village to see what kind of reaction they get and then take them on the road with me," he explained.

Chicken-Kel and Dom just stared at him.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said the cow. 

"Oh!" exclaimed Cleon. "That was wonderful. You would make a terrific lead singer."

The cow nodded and beamed at him and they both stared at Chicken-Kel and Dom expectantly.

Dom sighed. "Oh well…I suppose I'll have to sell her to you now." He turned to the cow. "As long as you're sure you'll be happy here…"

The cow mooed enthusiastically, prancing about the room

"Now about the matter of payment…" Dom trailed off as Cleon's face fell. (A/N: *Thunk!* It landed unharmed on the grimy floor, dusted itself off and walked away.)

He fished through his pockets and came up with some lint and three strangely shaped, extra large, neon pink beans. He looked at them sheepishly. (A/N: baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!) "You know how I said I was broke?"

"Ummm…" started Dom.

"We'll take the beans (A/N: Dom: We will?) ," Chicken-Kel interrupted. "You can pay us back after you've made some money with the shows."

Cleon handed over the beans and led the cow to the back room, saying, "You look very athletic. I think I've finally found the perfect cow to do the jumping-over-moon scene…"

Dom and Chicken-Kel looked at each other, shook their heads and walked out, beans in hand.

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

"I can't believe you sold my cow to that _idiot_ for nothing but a handful of really weird beans!!!!!" ranted Dom's 'mother'. She grabbed the strange, pink beans from his hand and threw them out the open window (along with the lint). About .571428 seconds (which is 4/7, which happens to be a very cool number) passed and then *WHOOOOOOSH!!!* a giant beanstalk sprouted outside the window. The two people and the Chicken-lady ran out to see what was going on. Standing there, his leafy hands on his hips, was a very…green-looking … Neal. He looked down at himself: at his feet, planted and immovable, firmly rooted in the ground. Above his head, the beanstalk continued reaching up into the sky, its top somewhere above the clouds.

"Gaaaaaaaah! I'm a VEGETABLE!!!!" he shrieked, waving viney arms wildly. Neal-the-Beanstalk glared at Chicken-Kel. "This is all your fault. I TOLD you vegetables were bad. But noooooo – 'Eat your vegetables, Neal,' … and so I did … and NOW look at me!!!!!"

(A/N: hey did you guys know that beans are nitrifiers … something about the roots … sorry about that – I'm in Biology and she had to go and mention beans right when I'm writing about them so I _had_ to take note of it … and now back to your regularly scheduled programming … )

Dom's mother went inside, muttering about talking plants and the nitrogen cycle.

Then, suddenly and without warning, the Great Mother Goddess appeared before them.

"I have a message for you," she proclaimed, her voice terrible to hear, as it echoed all around them. Chicken-Kel and Dom winced and fell to their knees and Neal-the-Beanstalk attempted to cover his sensitive ears and failed miserably. The Goddess, noticing this, muttered something intelligible and switched off the reverb and turned down the volume on her sound system. "You must go on a quest," she continued in a softer voice. "You must venture up the perilous Beanstalk (A/N: Neal: Hey! I resent that!) to the Land-Above-the-Clouds and do battle with the pernicious Giant there who hath stolen they lands and fortune."

"I have to do what?" exclaimed Dom.

"Since when did we decide to speak in ancient Common?" Chicken-Kel wanted to know.

"Can you turn me back to normal?" Neal-the-Beanstalk demanded.

The Goddess ignored the first two and studied his predicament. "I'm afraid I have no control over what has happened to you…"

Neal looked crestfallen (A/N: what does that mean, anyway?) and started to bemoan his sad and sorry state, his leaves slowly wilting.

"…_but_…"

Neal perked up.

"If your noble companions will complete their task and bring me the Hen-that-lays-the-strangely-yellow-and-shiny-eggs that was stolen by the giant and was very precious (A/N: _My Precioussssssss_) to me, then I will consult my brothers and sisters and see if any of them can help you as I cannot."

"Oh," Dom said, "so if we agree to go on this...quest...for you, will you agree to try and turn all of us back to normal?"

  
The Goddess nodded.  


"Alright, so now we have incentive..." started Kel.  


"Incentive?!?!?" Neal-the-Beanstalk yelled, outraged. "I have no intention of staying a VEGETABLE for the rest of my pathetic existence, so you had better..."  


"Ok, Neal, calm down," Dom yelled over Neal's ranting. "We're going, alright? I just wanted a little more information before we leave." He turned to the Goddess, "You said this giant stole my 'lands and fortune'? I don't really remember having them to begin with"  


The Goddess looked a bit peeved. "You weren't supposed to notice that," she muttered. Thinking a moment about how to fix her argument, she added, "the evil giant has been plundering many lands for some time now, and has collected a vast horde of wondrous things, many of which, I believe, had formerly belonged to friends of yours."  


"You know all this and you never did anything about it yourself?" he demanded.  


The Goddess shifted uneasily.  


Chicken-Kel leaned over and whispered in Dom's ear, "I think she believes it beneath her to steal her own stuff back, so she's trying to give us a reason to do this for her."  


"Well I still think its stupid..."  


*CRASH!!!* Lightning struck right next to Dom. Chicken-Kel shrieked and lost a few tail feathers. Neal-the-Beanstalk made a face. A slightly crispy, very sooty Dom grinned nervously, 

"Heh...point taken. Up the beanstalk we go then."  
  


*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

  
  
And so they climbed....  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
.....and climbed........  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
.....and climbed some more.............  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
...until they finally broke through the top of the clouds. Chicken-Kel laboriously clawed up the last couple of feet and sat down on the fluffy white ground, panting, "You know, I never thought about how much I'd miss fingers as a chicken," she contemplated.  


"Chicken fingers?" asked Dom.  


Chicken-Kel shuddered. "I don't think I'll ever be able to eat a bird again."

****

YES!!! Yet another awkward place to stop a chapter. Joy. Rapture. Its just that if I didn't stop here, I would have to wait for a LONG time because there aren't any good places to end in the bit of the next part that I've written so far… so yeah… you choose… wait another three weeks before you read this part because I can't seem to get the next bit written… or let me end where ever the mood strikes me.   


****

Anyways… what did you think? Enough randomness for you? Its annoying…practically the only free time I have during the day is in study hall or in a class where I don't have to pay attention and sit in the back… (a combination that doesn't happen very often, unfortunately) and its hard to get in the right frame of mind for this…by the time I do, the darn bell rings. Very, very annoying. But it would make all of that worthwhile if you would but review and laugh at my insanity, tell me this was the stupidest story you have ever read… that we should light a bonfire with it and use it to roast marshmallows (yum!!!) … or something like that. Actually, the marshmallows aren't such a bad idea. *goes off on a hunt for marshmallows and something to build a fire with…oooooh! My English essay!! Yessssss. This will burn WELL* yeah…so I'm kinda a pyro…nothing wrong with that…. As long as I don't burn my igloo down… * does a happy-penguin dance around her roaring fire… 

REVIEW!!!! Trust me, it's not that hard. (pretty please? I like the number 7 and all…but bigger numbers are ever so much prettier…)

Toodles!!!

~ Erm the Penguin ~ 


	4. Chicken Kel and the Beanstalk Part III

****

A/N: sorry this chapter was so long in coming… more of an apology at the end… 

Disclaimer: of course I don't own anything. Who do you take me for? A millionaire? I don't think so. Just read the story, will ya?

Continued from the LAST two episodes, this is Chicken-Kel and the Beanstalk, part THREE 

(I swear I'll get a new fairytale up there _sometime_…just not now…)

Dom and Chicken-Kel bounced from cloud to cloud along the path. In the distance, they could just barely make out the faint outline of a grand castle far, far away.

They bounced along for hours and hours, chatting of innocent things…(insert random comments here) … until they finally reached the castle. (I seem to remember saying something similar just a little while ago). They knocked on the immense wooden door and it swung open to reveal (cue suspenseful music…) somebody's kneecap (duh duh duh!!!!). Dom and Chicken-Kel craned their necks up so they could see their face. 

"Ooooooh! Visitors!" boomed Buri the Giantess. "Come on in, I was just making dinner. Just…don't make much noise. My husband is paranoid about strangers—he's afraid they'll steal his collection of shiny stuff," she snorted. "Like that would ever happen. It's a stupid collection anyway." Dom and Chicken-Kel nodded their agreement as the Giantess stirred something in her pot.

Dom and Chicken-Kel ducked down and started whispering to each other.

"Buri's acting like she doesn't know us," commented Dom softly.

"Yeah. I wonder why this change made her do that—all the other people who have been affected didn't lose their memories," Chicken-Kel muttered back.

"That is strange. … Hey—I wonder who the Giant is—if its anybody we know."

**************************************************************************************

Meanwhile…in one of the tower rooms…Raoul the Giant smiled happily, looking at his walls covered in shiny _borrowed_ jousting trophies, and the sacks f prize money from tournaments. Raoul was a magpie at heart - he loved shiny things. He didn't care where they came from or _how_ he got them, as long as he was always surrounded by things that glimmered, glittered, shined or were otherwise sparkly. Suddenly he sniffed and his eyes narrowed. Striding down the corridor, he bellowed:

"Fe, fi, fo … er … FUD!!

I smell icky, nasty…

BLOOD!!!!"

"Buri!!!!! Why are you cooking MEAT?!" he turned green as the smell hit him again.

The trio in the kitchen heard the ponderous, heavy footsteps as they pounded down the tower stairs. Buri turned to her two guests, "Quick, jump in the pantry. He never looks in there – all the shiny stuff was removed years ago." She grinned.

Dom and Chicken-Kel leapt into the dark, dusty closet. Dom perched on a shelf even with the huge keyhole and peered out. As he saw who tumbled down the last of the steps he chuckled quietly. "Hey Kel, get up here—you've got to see this!" Chicken-Kel hopped up and Dom leaned back so she could get a better view out of the keyhole. He had to clap a hand over her mouth to keep from giving their position away with her laughter. Chicken-Kel couldn't help it, though. _Raoul was shorter that Buri_!!! 'It seems whoever is behind all of this has a sense of humor,' Kel mused.

(A/N: evil laughter from the direction of the author—*Erm waves her flippers around madly as she sits at the computer and cackles* bwahahahahaha … ahem … anyway, back in the Giant's castle … )

Buri was consoling her husband. "Don't worry, Raoul—I know you're a vegetarian. My meatballs aren't going to be anywhere near your spaghetti."

Raoul smiled in relief and sat down to eat. After sniggering a bit over Raoul's previously unknown eating habits…and then some more over his present height, they peered out of the keyhole at the giants. Seeing that this promised to be a long meal, Chicken-Kel and Dom relaxed against a colossal bag of flour and took a nap. Several hours later, the pantry door opened and the sudden increase of light and fresh air woke them up.

"I saved some food for you," Buri announced, leading them across the table to a plate the size of a bathtub. "I just hope it'll be enough." There before them was a single meatball that reached half way up Dom's leg, and a dozen strands of spaghetti, each five feet long. Dom and Chicken-Kel's eyes bugged out as they stared at the massive food. 

"Wow," said Kel. "That is one BIG meatball."

They both tackled the meatball with the extremely large and heavy knife that Buri left them. Kel grumbled that she could have done it alone if she had only had fingers. Dom only laughed. Try as they might, though, they couldn't finish all of the food. Kel was only able to eat three pieces of pasta and almost a quarter of the meatball. Dom managed to finish the rest of the half of the meatball and almost four entire pieces of spaghetti. 

(A/N: sorry if I didn't get the proportions right…I was having a hard time visualizing how big everything should be. The meatball was particularly troublesome. *glares at half eaten remnant of the giant meatball*) 

Anyway…

So after they finished eating, since neither of the giants was in sight, they decided to go exploring. However, because both were only as tall as the owner of the castle's knees, they found climbing stairs to be extremely tiring.

Fortunately for them, by the time they made it up to Raoul's Room of Shiny Stuff, it was many hours past dinner and the little giant was soundly sleeping on sacks of silver. (A/N: siiiiiiiigh. Doncha just love alliteration?) 

Dom and Kel were momentarily blinded by the sight of so many glittery things reflecting the torchlight. When they could see again, they began to search for the Goddess's hen-that-lays-the-strangely-yellow-and-shiny-eggs (which will be henceforth known as "that HEN" because the other way is just too long to write out every time). As they were hunting the elusive HEN, Kel just _happened_ to glance at one of the many (shiny) trophies that adorned the walls .

"Aiiiiiiieeee!!" she shrieked. "That's mine!!!" Dom hurried over to her to try and keep her from waking the giant. She stopped screeching and pointed angrily at the offending trophy. "I won that last year. I haven't been able to find it for months—just figured I'd misplaced it or something. Now this is personal." Dom winced and hoped that Raoul would live through this so he could be turned back to…normal…

"Well there's no way I'm lugging that thing all over the place while we search, but as soon as we find that stupid hen, we're coming back here…and…and…and…liberating my trophy!!" Kel stalked off in a direction that hadn't been looked in before.

Sitting in a corner, tucked away behind various bags of gold was an unobtrusive little harp. Kel stumbled upon it purely by accident. She stood there in awe of the exquisite thing. Reaching out hesitantly, she plucked a string.

Rather than the liquid tone she'd been expecting to hear, the offended instrument let out a yell. "Oy! What do you think you're doing??" 

Shocked by the outburst, Kel jumped back and gasped, "It speaks!"

(A/N: Its ALIVE!!!)

Even more affronted, the harp hmphed, "Yeah I can speak. I sing too" It launched into song:

__

There was a farmer had a dog E I E I OOOOOO …. 

"Ummmm…" started Kel, "isn't the song supposed to go, 'and Bingo was its name-o'?"

If a harp could glare, this one would have done it. "I'll sing it any darn way I want to!!"

Dom ran up behind her. "what's going on here? Can you keep it down a little—we don't want Raoul to wake up until we find that idiotic bird…"

…but the harp had started to sing again, louder than ever—

__

Blaaaaaack socks! They never get dirty, the longer you wear them the blacker they get…

"Kel, we have to find a way to shut this thing up—it'll wake the giant," Dom muttered.

…_ sooooooometimes I think I should wash them but something inside me keeps saying not yet, not yet, not yet…_

Kel thought for a moment, and started to grin. "Excuse me," she said to the harp politely, "would you like to learn a new song?"

The little instrument was overjoyed. "Yes, yes, yes!" it exclaimed. 

In a semi-loud voice, Kel sang: _noooo matter how young a prune may be, its always full of wrinkles…a baby prune is like his dad, but he's not wrinkled quite so bad!_

The harp launched into song again, repeating what Kel had sung.

"Now," Kel said quietly, "the best part about this song is that it's a game."

"Oooooooh!" squealed the harp. "I like games!"

"You sing the song again and again, and each time you get quieter and quieter."

"Sounds like fun to meeee!" yelled the harp.

"Sing with me now," said Kel, almost whispering. _Second verse, same as the first, a little bit softer and a little bit worse… nooooo matter how young a prune may be…_ Kel mouthed the words and the harp kept singing. It sang and sang, each time getting a little bit softer. By the time it reached it seventeenth verse, it was so quiet it was no longer audible. 

  
"It'll keep singing that soundlessly forever," Kel smiled.

Dom jumped on her and gave her a huge hug. "Kel that was incredible!"

She grinned back, "Its amazing what having lots of little nieces and nephews can teach a person!"

… to be continued…. (God knows when, but it will be continued…I promise…)

****

A/N: sorry I took so long to get that part out…I was trying to see if I could finish it this chapter, but that obviously isn't happening…I'm going to try and wrap up all my stories over Christmas…since I haven't been able to update for SO long… The only reason I updated today was because I just re-did the entire thing for "I'm not fickle, am I?" because it had an author's note in it as an entire chapter, and that is no longer allowed (bad me)… so I realized I had this chapter partially typed and felt like I ought to put it up even if it ISN'T written all the way to the end yet… Anyway, I hope you liked the latest installment, and please do me a favor and REVIEW! (that's the best Christmas present I could get…so…) 

Argh. Too Much Stress. Hope your lives have been easier…

Toodles!

~ Erm ~

PS: If you noticed, I stopped calling Kel "Chicken-Kel" about half way through this chapter…My reasoning was, if you didn't get it already that she's a _chicken_ then you aren't going to, no matter how many times I refer to her as such. Also, it's a major pain in the butt to type over and over and over, if you catch my drift… If you have a problem with this, go ahead and tell me about it, but don't expect me to do anything to change it. 

Happy Holidays!!!


	5. Chicken Kel and the Beanstalk Part IV

****

A/N: Wow…it's been a long time, hasn't it? -__- () so sorry. *sigh* … anyway … I think I've finally finished the conclusion of Chicken-Kel and the Beanstalk… whether or not Selatyriaf is continued is up to you… if I get lots of reviews begging me to keep going with the insanity, then I'll think about it and hope that my creative juices start flowing again (b/c they hadn't been the last three months or so… x__x) and now: on with the show!

…actually… little PS here: the stupid HTML is deciding to be annoying…and doesn't want to cooperate with me, so I'm sorry if everything is all cramped … the spaces decided that they didn't want to be there so they just up and left as soon as I uploaded this chapter. 

****

Disclaimer: If I didn't own anything _last time_…do you think I own anything now? Noooo…

Presenting, for your reading pleasure, the Conclusion to Chicken-Kel and the Beanstalk!!! (_finally_.) 

… Chicken-Kel and Dom left the secluded corner where the harp was still singing silently to itself and resumed their hunt for "that stupid hen" as Kel called it. The sleeping giant let out a particularly loud snore and startled the snoozing hen, who let out a squawk. It unwound itself from its curled up position on a pouch of gold and peered around. It didn't even have time to chip before Dom tossed a sack over it and hauled it out of the room. When they reached the landing at the top of the endless stair, Kel and Dom attempted a high-five … and failed, foiled by Kel's lack of fingers yet again. 

The two hen-nappers dashed down the stairs and out the castle gate, past a flabbergasted Buri who yelped and went to wake the Giant. Chicken-Kel and Dom reached the top of Neal-the-Beanstalk who was still standing there impatiently, muttering to himself. They fell to their knees (A/N: _do_ chickens have knees?) on the ground … err … cloud … panting, and prayed that the Goddess would appear before Raoul got to them. They were in luck – she appeared in a puff of sparkly blue smoke … and a bathrobe. "_Excuse me_!" she huffed and winked out again, to reappear moments later, decently clad. "Well?" she looked down her perfect nose at them. Dom held up the wriggling bag. The hen poked her head out and looked at Dom, who pointed behind her. She swiveled her head the other way, saw the Goddess, and ducked back into her sack. "My _hen_!" the Goddess gushed, snatching the bag from Dom. 

Kel glared and motioned at Neal and herself with her wing. Dom nodded, "Yeah. We fulfilled our part of the bargain – now you do yours! Make everything normal again."

The Goddess signed, clasping the bag that held her precious hen to her. "As I did not do this to begin with, I do not know if it is within my power to undo … but I will try." 

They heard giant footsteps thundering toward them as the Goddess closed her eyes and raised her hands. There was a faint shimmer in the air and with a *pop* Kel was back to normal. A yelp and a *thud* from Raoul's direction told them that he, too, had changed. Hopefully, Kel and Dom looked toward Neal … 

… who wiggled his leaves in annoyance. "I'm feeling just a _little_ left out over here!" 

Kel giggled and then jumped when the cloud under her rumbled unexpectedly. She and Dom looked at the Goddess questioningly. She was beginning to fade out when she replied faintly, "None of this is real. You asked me to put everything to rights … and now everything is coming apart …" she trailed off and disappeared completely in a blue haze … 

… just as a hole opened up in the cloud beneath Kel. She shrieked and tumbled downwards. Dom grabbed her hand and tried to hold on to it as the clouds dissolved around him. Neal squealed (A/N: haha … it rhymed!) and returned to his normal form at last. Kel's finger's slipped and Dom snatched her other hand just as he lost his hold on the first one and …

… Kel sat up with a start, blinking rapidly in the dim candle light. Bleary-eyed, she scrutinized the room around her, noting with amazement that she was in her own room at Mindelan. Belatedly she realized that someone still held her hand, and that she was hanging on to it for dear life. She looked down to see Dom's dark head lying on her quilt and the rest of him sitting on her floor. Thoughtfully, she pondered _how _can_ that be comfortable_ … and then,_ I wonder how long he's been there_… A thought struck her as she lay back down on the pillows. She sighed contentedly and murmured, "You didn't let me go…" as she closed her eyes again and slept the sleep of the exhausted. 

*

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

*

When she awoke again, the space beside her bed was empty, but her mother was bustling about her room opening the heavy drapes to let some light in. "Mama?" she asked, like a little girl again.

Her mother turned, "Oh, you're finally awake. Good. We'd though you were planning on sleeping forever. You had an extremely high fever and were starting to worry us."

Just then, Neal walked in, carefully carrying a steaming mug of something that smelled bitter and a bowl of broth. "_Neal_?" she asked incredulously. "What are _you_ doing here?"

He walked over to her and put his tray on the table by her bed. His green eyes were glossy and rimmed with black circles. "Nursing you back to health, as it seems." 

"Just how long have you been here?" Kel wanted to know.

Her friend motioned for her to scooch over and he sank into the space she vacated wearily. "I got a note just after Midwinter saying you were very ill and hadn't woken in two days. I rode here as fast as I could, and have been here nearly a week since then. Now sit up and drink some of this tea. We need to get some fluid back in you."

Kel obliged as she digested what he'd said. "I've been asleep for a _week_?" she yelped. 

Neal grinned, "…and three days. You were delirious half the time, muttering things about cows and beanstalks." 

Kel sipped her tea and her dream started coming back to her. She pictured Neal as the Beanstalk and chuckled into her mug. Neal made an inquiring motion at her, but she decided not to tell him that she'd dreamed that he was a vegetable. She feared the results. 

"Well I for one am glad you're feeling better. Maybe we can all get a good night's sleep now." Neal remarked. 

"_We_?"

Neal nodded. "Dom came when I wrote how badly you were doing. He's sat up with you when I couldn't prop my eyelids open any longer."

Kel's mother smiled, "We had to drag him into another room to get some sleep after he passed out in here…"

"Not without extreme protest on my part," came a voice from the doorway. 

Kel's mother pulled Neal out the door with her, telling him that it was high time he ate some real food too. Neal stuck his head back in the doorway. "Just make sure she drinks all that broth. Can't have her getting dehydrated after all that work, now can we?" he said as a parting admonition to his cousin. 

Dom nodded and turned back to Kel, who smiled at him gratefully. "Thanks for sitting up with me, even if I wasn't awake to appreciate it at the moment," she told him.

"Oh it was no problem at all," he replied. "What are friends for, after all?" '_Friends,_' he thought as he sighed wistfully. _Is that all we're ever going to be? _

'_Friends,'_ mused Kel as she yawned and reached for the broth. _Is that all we're ever going to be?_

Dom pulled the bowl toward him and handed it to her as he sat carefully on the edge of her bed. Pretending cheerfulness, he asked, "So, how are you feeling?"

"Glad to be awake," she joked, sipping the broth. Kel looked at him over the rim of her bowl. "You know, I had the strangest dream while I was sick."

"Oh really?" 

"Yeah. You were in it. So was Neal and my lord Raoul and Buri and Yuki and Shinko and Cleon, and…" she grimaced, "and Joren." 

Dom made a face. "So what was this strange dream about?"

Kel laughed. "Everything was so mixed up, like something out of an old, old story. I was a chicken…"

"A _chicken_? Really? Wow."

"That wasn't the weirdest bit, though. Neal was a _beanstalk_…and we climbed it and found a giant's castle where Raoul and Buri lived… but Raoul was short, and wouldn't eat any meat." Kel giggled. "But when we found the Goddess's hen for her, she put things back to normal, and the clouds started to fall apart and I slipped…" she trailed off.

Dom looked at her questioningly.

"…but you grabbed my hand and wouldn't let me go. And when I woke up … you were still _here_ …" she looked up at him. "I hadn't remembered that. It seems I owe you double thanks then, don't I?" 

He took her empty bowl from her and set it down on the table, taking her hands in his own. "Haven't I gotten it through your head that I'm always going to be there for you, even when you don't particularly want me to be there or when you think there's no possible way for me to be with you?" he asked softly. 

She looked down at their hands. "I'm just so used to doing everything myself," she said in a small voice. 

Dom tilted her chin up so he could see her face and traced the tiny tear track with his finger. Kel shivered and he tugged up the extra blanket from the end of the bed, put it around her shoulders and pulled her into a hug. He stayed with his arms wrapped around her for a while, her head on his shoulder, then asked softly, "Kel?" He peered into her face. She was sleeping. _Not again_, he thought wryly. He laid her gently down on her pillow and pulled the blankets up to her chin. Checking to be sure no one was coming, he bent down and kissed her forehead. Kel's lips turned up in a ghost of a smile and she gave a little sigh as she curled up in a more comfortable position. Dom took another extra blanket and settled down in the chair by her bed to wait, thinking he was about due for another nap himself.

…and that's how Neal found them when he looked in an hour later, wondering how Kel was doing. _Sure took him long enough to admit he's crazy about her_, he thought. _Now how long will it take before he does something about it?_ He blew out the candles sitting on the table and left, shaking his head.

The End.

(for now…. *Erm grins madly at the computer and cackles*)

****

Well??? Was it worth the three month wait for the conclusion? *Erm grimaces* I'm not too fond of my ending…can't do all that _mushy_ stuff all that well… *sigh* but it doesn't matter…I can revise it later when I don't have to worry about finishing Gulliver's Travels by the end of the week for my evil English class… 

*

Tell me what you think and if I should continue the story thread with other characters, other fairytales, and the possibility of more Kel/Dom scene-age. 

TTFN!

~ Erm the Penguin ~ 

PS: Review!!!! See look at that lonely little button down there…won't you cheer it up by clicking it and leaving a message? It would really make the button's day (not to mention a certain little penguin who is starved for attention… hint, hint!) 


	6. Dream Fever

…The girl blinked, and stretched sore muscles, gazing around bleary-eyed, trying to figure out where exactly she was…and why she was so cold… there was a strange droning noise in the background, and her frozen fingers clutched a smooth, black pen convulsively. Rubbing her eyes with her free hand, she peered at the large square of white before her. _That looks familiar…wait! It has words on it… let's see what this says… 'root…structure…' hmmm 'nitrogen fixation…' what! NITROGEN FIXATION! Noooooooo! Not _again But it was true, she was again trapped in the mindless world of biology, forced to listen to lectures about plants and animals, leaving her nothing to do but…_write_. Doodling on her bio notes, she thought back to the last time she was in this situation…so long ago… _I wonder whatever happened to that story I was writing… I never did get to finish it… let's see what fairytales I haven't corrupted yet… _And so it began… again… the gradual slide of the universe into total chaos. Older, wiser, (crazier), the Penguin would show the world exactly what she was made of (with_out_ being dissected, thank you very much)… Insanity shall rule once more!

**Disclaimer:** you know the drill… the only thing I own is my own tortured mind, and the plots that spin out of it, fueled by the tedium of biology class and life in general.

And now…the Saga continues…with the beginning of Dream Fever

Ganiel sat in his lonely, darkened hall in the Realm of the Gods, staring musingly at the glossy floor where he viewed mortals' dreams. At this specific moment in time, he was focused on the dissolving remnants of one mortal's dreams in particular…

…_a hole opened up in the cloud beneath Kel. She shrieked and tumbled downwards. Dom grabbed her hand and tried to hold on to it as the clouds dissolved around him. Neal squealed and returned to his normal form at last. Kel's finger's slipped and Dom snatched her other hand just as he lost his hold on the first one…_

The god smiled slightly, shifting in his inky robes. His gaze traveled to an orb which allowed him to see his subjects' waking moments as he wished. His latest project was propped up in bed, held tight in the arms of her friend. With a slightly devious grin, the Dream King nudged the girl back to sleep; she needed rest after her long illness, after all. It appeared that his experiment was a success, at least in part…

_I need something to do_ mused the god, head on fist. _With wars dying down, mortals' dreams are less vivid, less inspiring. It's pathetic how they need terrible things to happen to be able to dream of greatness! There must be a way to produce __stirring dreams without starting a war down there…_

He looked back at the girl, now dozing peacefully within the circle of her friend's arms. The dream he had sent her in her delirious, feverish state had been his idea of a nudge in the right direction. Ganiel wasn't sure it would be enough, though. _She is without a doubt the most stubborn mortal I have ever laid eyes on!_ Pondering, the god glanced over to the man holding his little mortal.

_What if I…_ Scarcely bothering to finish the thought, Ganiel reached down and prodded the lingering effects of his tampering from the girl into her friend, watching as what appeared as misty white tendrils to his eyes vanished into the man's skin. Presently realizing that his companion was already asleep, the man resettled her more comfortably in her blankets, kissed her furtively on the forehead, and, yawning, curled up in a nearby chair.

The god smirked, settling back in his throne for a long watch – this was going to be _interesting_…

…back in the mortal realms…

After what he deemed an appropriate interval, Neal snuck back into the room to check on his cousin and his best friend.

Smiling derisively at the picture his 'manly' cousin made curled up in the cushioned chair, he muttered, "Awww, isn't that _cute_!" and reached over to give Dom a rude awakening (and to demand that he leave to get some "proper rest" in a _bed_ in his _own_ room). At his nudge, Dom merely grumbled and curled up tighter to avoid the annoyance. Peeved, Neal poked him again, harder. With this, Dom's eyes shot open and he gazed at his cousin dazedly, blue eyes glazed over. Still goofing off, Neal waved his hand in front of his cousin's face, expecting to get some fun out of the situation, but the other man stared straight through him, a slight sheen of sweat on his face. Now a little concerned, Neal switched to healer mode, gently feeling Dom's forehead. "Gods!" he whispered, shocked. "Not _again_." Running out the door for his healer's bag, he called for Kel's father to come help him get his cousin into his own bed.

A short time later, the healer looked up at Kel's family, emerald eyes tired. "I've done all I can for him," he announced. "Whatever Kel had, he's got. It's just a fever, but I can't heal it, not completely. All we can do is let it run its course, and try to keep him from drying out. I've made him some tea, which brought the fever down a bit. SO now we just wait for him to wake up."

"It's not…life threatening…is it?" Lady Ilane asked hesitantly, a pinched, worried look on her pale face.

Neal shook his head. "It doesn't look like it," he reassured her. "The fever just drains its victim's energy like nothing I've ever seen. That's why Kel slept for so long, even after I'd gotten the fever to go away. I want to watch him for a few days, just to be sure, but I think he'll be fine."

Ilane looked relieved. Thanking Neal, she dragged her husband out of the room to go check on Kel.

Neal stood for a moment, still staring at the place his friend's parents had occupied. Coming to, he shook himself and made his way over to his cousin. Sitting at the foot of the bed, he glared at the man's fever-brightened face. "Just when I thought I was finally going to get a decent night's rest," he grumbled. "You had better recover – I don't fancy breaking the news to Aunt. I value my life too much." Wincing, he got up and stalked out of the room, visions of pillows dancing in his head. Neal sighed. "No rest for the weary. I wonder if Kel's mother has any of that broth left…"

In his room, Dom rolled over, clutching the blankets to him. "Kel…" he mumbled.

Ganiel just smiled.

…to be continued…

**A/N:** (sigh) It feels good to start this again. I have so many goofy ideas that I want to write out now… but, alas, its after midnight, and I have a philosophy paper to finish (err….'start' might be the more appropriate term). At least it's only a rough draft…and not due till 4 pm tomorrow… Anyway, to the point, as we learned in my incredible comp. lit. Sci-fi class – every paper/paragraph/etc. must have a clear thesis - ahem …as I begin my crazy embarkation (hey – spell check didn't pick up on that one, it _must_ be a word!) into the world of _longer_ fanfics (and I plan for this one to go on for quite a while) I want to know what you think – how can I improve my writing style, did I perform some incredible lapse of reality (because I couldn't bring _all_ of my books with me, the only Tamora Pierce ones I have currently are _Trickster's Choice _and _Trickster's Queen_) tell me, and I'll fix it!

Just so you know, this chapter was planned to be an intermediate step, to make the rest of the plot twists understandable, and I'm _hoping_ to be back to my usual insanity in the next chapter (the crazed fairytales return!). I have a definite idea of where I want to go with this, but I need a little time (or another paper to procrastinate over) to give the poor naked bones of a story some muscles and _fat_ grumbles about freshman 15 (those bagels at Commons will be the death of me...). But I digress – to summarize what I was _trying_ to say, REVIEW, please! (grins) I have a secret to tell you – all college students love getting mail. (wink) fill up my sad, cobwebby inbox, won't you dears?

And now… forward, troops! To the philosophy paper!

(My highest apologies for the lengthy authors note… I really don't want to start this paper.)

Until next time…

Erm the Penguin


End file.
